“For what do we live, but to make sport for our neighbours, and laugh at them in our turn?”
– Mr Bennet
After it was shared, forwarded, and even infamously reposted…
*cue the crickets*
… I began to receive comments, both positively commending my insight and critically questioning my motives for getting involved in the vow-to-never-mention-again emotionally fueled blogging war.
Once my words were published, my post left the safety of its nest, like a baby bird finally figuring out the purpose of its feathered appendages.
I can no longer control where it goes, and where it lands, and whether its delicate opinions will be looked after in this alien environment.
It’s ironic (and yes, even hypocritical) that I caution everyone to be careful when handling sensitive information online… and in the same breath, or rather the next paragraph, I invoke the very drama which I tried to prevent by liberally referencing certain individuals’ personal battles.
As I sheepishly acknowledged on Facebook earlier… I must love the taste of feet! They always seem to be in my mouth.
So if any of you are visiting for the first (or second) time on account of “That Post”… I apologize for my obvious lapse of judgement; those who know me well can assure you that brain lapses happen frequently here, although serious discussions rarely do.
I so seldom have occasion to be serious, that I lack practice.
As the “Crazy Cat Artist”, my mission in life is to spark that wicked gleam in your eye, or make you laugh out loud at an inopportune time… such as during a teleconference, when you surreptitiously browse the internet on your iPhone, and stumble across my fire-breathing cat monster.
I do write about my artwork, and cats, a great deal… and a quick glance at my site statistics will reveal people arrive here after searching for “cat paintings” and “regency art”.
Proof that I can stay relevant to the topic of my work, once in a while.
However, I’m continuously amazed by the seemingly off-the-wall searches that lead folks to my door…
I gave everyone a sneak preview back in January when I posted, Naughty Google Sitting in the Corner.
Who actually looks online for “crowds of demonic people” or “vacuum cleaning nude”?
Seriously? Who are you people?
So what strange sort of folks do I normally attract with my blog, courtesy of Google’s omniscient wisdom?
Today I will take you on a pilgrimage to the mountaintop, and let you gaze out over the Promised Land.
a.k.a. My WordPress Dashboard…
(Just don’t attempt to read this during office hours… a friendly forewarning.)
My Top 20 List of Crazy Web Searches…
20. “Disgusting people” ….
This was actually part of the title for my post: “Disgusting People With a Little Help From Regretsy”
19. “Monkey gym to bay” ….
I might need some help with this, as I don’t recall having ever blogged about monkeys. Or the Monkees.
18. “women power suit bare feet” ….
17. “men who paint their toenails” ….
Yup! I’ve encouraged men to paint their toes!
This was one of my earliest posts.
16. “male men feet bare feet nude” …
Nude or otherwise… feet are a reoccurring theme here on my blog.
15. “women big feet bare soles toes” ….
Okay! I confess!! I have an obsession with bare feet and toes. Gosh, what more can I say… they’re tasty! And I would know.
Although I’ve never judged anyone by the size of their feet, cause that’s just plain cruel.
14. “feet punish” …..
Um… nor do I condone foot abuse or participate in ritualistic foot torture.
13. “stubborn @$$hole kraut” ….
Say what?! I did blog about sauerkraut along with my resolutions for 2010.
12. “peanut butter stuck to butt”
Actually it was an acrylic finger nail “stuck to butt”… and packing peanuts that were found stuck to a cheesecake.
But you can read all about this story, and many more frightening tales of Glitter (and other Things That Refuse To GO AWAY) here in this hilarious Etsy forum post.
11. “gypsy vaginal temperature” ….
I was curious about this peculiar search: Do gypsies have a noticeable difference in their temperature?
So I Googled it myself – yes, indeed, I did – and found references to virgin gypsy wedding rituals, and also an interesting
advice column for Persian cat breeders, written by the “Gypsy Guru”.
10. “Can I wash my hair with ajax?” ….
Are you asking me for permission? Sure, go right ahead.
9. “peanut butter scented soap” ….
Um… why not just use peanut butter? I’d suggest looking on Etsy.com, the handmade marketplace… they also sell popcorn soap, fried chicken soap, and canned spam soap… if you can eat it, you can shower with it too!
8. “How long should I leave vinegar in my hair?”….
How long would you leave in your conditioner? Vinegar is a viable substitute, especially when using handmade shampoo bars.
7. “girl wearing always ultra” ….
Now this search disturbs me. Was someone searching for an image of her? How can anyone tell which brand of pad a girl is wearing?
My single reference to feminine products came from this spotlight on IvyLaneDesign’s Recycled Box Journals.
6. “dried beans are beside rice at the grocery store” ….
And Cool Whip is next to the frozen pie crusts, but do we really need Google to help us locate it?
Perhaps if the confused grocery associate leads you on a wild goose chase… *wink*
5. “what is the most likely time for a retail store to be robbed?” ….
Should I really answer this? Um… whenever somebody is desperate for cash, and doesn’t mind going to jail?
4. “redneck diaper stinks” ….
Have you ever found a used diaper lying on a grocery store shelf?
And yes, it stinks.
3. “sugar cookie decorated thong” ….
You KNEW I’d have an answer for this! Thanks again to an awesome Etsy seller, whom I featured in my anti-Valentine’s Day post:
“Puff the Magic Dress”
2. “pee paypal” ….
Finally! Someone else shares my sentiments! I experienced quite a nightmare with PayPal last year.
Honestly, I had a really tough time choosing my #1 favorite ridiculous search phrase… these babies are all winners in my book!
However, one question stood out in terms of “You have to be kidding me, right? Seriously?”
And more importantly, what was Google’s reasoning for leading this agonizing soul straight to me?
Sitting barefoot and naked upon my mountaintop, gazing into the future AND the past, and communing with the Other Side via a deep meditative trance… a vessel of the gods, speaking their infinite wisdom in a thousand tongues…
I am the Google priestess. The Keeper of arcane secrets.
Guarded by wild monkeys, and sustained only by a diet of raw sauerkraut and vinegar…. I have taken the gypsy’s vow of chastity, and will only speak to a chosen group of disgusting people each year, hand-selected by Ajax the Great.
They come in reverence, wearing their decorated thongs, and bringing offerings of peanut butter and sugar cookies so that I may be prevailed upon to answer their most urgent questions.
Their deepest desires and worst fears are laid at my feet, as they pray and plead for a divine response.
The fate of kings and conquerors, peasants and princes, all hang in the balance as they await my judgement.
What brings you forth to seek my wisdom?
And the trembling laborer falls to his knees in terror of my majesty, and cries out:
“Why are some of my crops glittering in Farmville?!”
That’s it, I QUIT! Now get me down from this rock.