I was sitting in Subway yesterday, having lunch, and watching people. Watching their feet, actually… it must be an unspoken rule for women to paint their toenails in the summer time.
I do not subscribe to that rule, nor to the rule that says sandals are warm-weather shoes, for I’ve worn them in the snow.
I’ve worn them with socks.
I would recommend layered socks if you’re going to wear them in the snow.

Every woman who walked into Subway – from the 9 year old girl in flip-flops, to her 60+ year old grandmother in orthopedic sandals, and the high-powered exec in a suit and open-toed high heels… they ALL had colored polish on their toenails.

Why on earth would a person want to spend 20 minutes or more, spreading paint on their toes while breathing in toxic, gagging fumes? Waiting for each toe to dry….waiting….praying you don’t bump it, smear it, have to re-paint it again.

Is it for some kind of ritual? Mating? Bonding?
Does it give you confidence in the boardroom?
Does it make you feel thinner?
Does it give you something pretty to stare at while you’re walking with your head down?
Do your toes feel sexy under the sheets, like they’re wearing latex lingerie?

I don’t get it.

I don’t wear fingernail polish either, although I occasionally did in high school.
I’m trying to recall why. For glamour, I suppose.
For parties, I chose a color to match my dress.
Green…… Purple……. Blue.
I guess I should have painted my toes also, but the lights were low, and if you stare at people’s feet in the dark, you’ll trip over something.

Now people want to feel glamorous with toenail polish, even if it doesn’t match their clothes. All the better if it doesn’t match! It’s gotta be bright red or pink, to really draw someone’s eyes – in case they weren’t watching feet like myself.
I shouldn’t be complaining, honestly. There could be much worse things to have my attention drawn toward.

My feet felt naked inside my shoes… however, I decided against purchasing a tube of polish. I know what happens to things containing brushes in my family.
It’s a tradition actually… coded into the genes… it cannot be helped.

When I was seven or eight, I stole a bottle of White-Out and wrote my initials on all the furniture, and then got creative, stood on a tall stool, and doodled in the top corner of my father’s bedroom door.

At the very least, nail polish is a nauseating (yet – oh so shimmery!) way to decorate surfaces like VCRs, computer monitors, and book covers. It has a stained glass appearance on window panes, and also works excellently well as a permanent fabric paint.
Oh, the fun 2 children could have with nail polish!

If I couldn’t get remover to take it off the walls, I could always duplicate the effect across the entire room, and tell our landlord I was going for “Tropical Passion” treatment I saw on HGTV.
I’ve even painted the curtain fabric to match.
It’ll help sell the apartment!

I wonder if I could paint wall murals with nail polish?
… they have so many shades to choose from, it’s almost like shopping at A.C.Moore.

But back to people painting their toes…
If painting your toenails is becoming de rigueur, I think men should be required to do it as well.
Some crafty people should invent male nail polish, in shades of navy, hunter green, or burgundy. …Don’t get me started on why 8 out of 10 men would decorate their entire homes in hunter green/burgundy combinations if left to their own choosing.

I’ve tried in vain to steer many a man away from those colors, while working in Domestics, attempting to broaden their scope of color… But I might have fared better just by surrendering and building a mock-up room with the drapes, valance, tie-backs, comforter set, sheets, dust ruffle, throw rug, and chair cushions… all in safe hunter/burgundy shades. (Okay, I got started on it anyway)

Men should paint their toes.
Do it because it attracts women… (does it? I have no clue)
Do it because it makes you perform better in bed…. (again, I have no idea)
Do it because you’ll look smarter…
Talk sharper…
Get a promotion…
Get less speeding tickets…
Win any argument…
Have the last laugh…
Earn the respect of everyone around you…
Oh, yeah, and you’ll feel glamorous, too. Like a rock star.

C’mon guys, let’s see some happy, smiley, painted feet.
Don’t disappoint me; you know I’ll be watching you from my corner booth. 😉